Friday, May 8, 2009

crazy on you

My love is the evenin' breeze touchin' your skin
The gentle, sweet singin' of leaves in the wind
The whisper that calls after you in the night
And kisses your ear in the early moonlight
And you don't need to wonder, you're doing fine
My love, the pleasure's mine

I'm in a relationship slump. It's nothing that will cause divorce or an affair or anything stupid like that, it's just a slump that I keep telling myself I'm going to be able to work out myself. Problem is, I'm either too damn lazy or just really not sure how to do it at this time.

My husband and I have been together for close to 13 years. During those 13 years we've endured some pretty major changes and quite frankly some things that would have torn many people apart without hesitation. We stuck it out and I'm happy to say managed to learn a lot about how the other one ticks. We're able to disagree without it getting out of hand and all the petty jealousy is gone. At least on my part. I'm getting too old to worry about stupid shit like that.

The problem right now is he's never around. His job keeps him away for so long during the day and when he comes home he's usually too preoccupied with more stuff he needs to do for work that I'm getting nothing. I've known from the beginning that his career is very important to him. We've moved around from state to state as he has advanced up the career ladder. I'm very proud of his accomplishments and it's because of his hard work I am able to be a stay home mom. I never take that for granted.

He's finally reached the top rung of the ladder and it was/is a major accomplishment that no one will ever be able to take away from him. I had just hoped that what he had been telling me about the slow down was true. He promised to stop neglecting us and to start putting family first and delegating work out to others. Sadly for us he's one of those that would rather do it himself and is constantly looking for new projects to do for work....great for the Justice Department I guess.

It's gotten to the point where our phone conversations during the day have gone from three or four a day to maybe one and that one is usually clocked in at under a minute each time. I never know when he is coming home at night. It's gotten to the point that we no longer wait for him to eat dinner with us. We eat at a specific time and if he's here great, if not, I reheat or make him something light when he finally does get home.

I can't get conversation out of him when he's home because he's sucked into the television or on the computer either working on work stuff or looking up stuff on eBay because he wants to unwind. He will not discipline the three year old unless it's an extreme case because he doesn't want to be gone at work all day and have to come home and be the bad guy. That leaves it up to me to be the bad guy all the time.

Seriously, I spend my day home with the three year old and wouldn't give that up for all the money in the world. I enjoy spending time with him and playing with him and watching him change and do funny stuff every day. The only issue with that is that come on, there is only so much conversation that can be had with a THREE YEAR OLD!

He thrives on attention from his brother and his dad when they come home because he's spent the entire day with me. His brother is going through that pissy teenage stage where he comes home from school, grunts hello, gets food out of the fridge and goes straight to his room and bitches if the little one even gets close to his bedroom door. Naturally that makes the little one want to do it even more so usually I have to listen to the two of them bickering for a good chunk of time.

When the husband gets home the little one is all over him but he's easily frustrated like me because it's next to impossible to get any attention. About the best he can hope for is if the husband turns on the Wii or the Playstation and plays a game the little one likes to sit and watch him play.

The husband will then get finished and go to bed and we start the entire cycle over again day after day. The weekends aren't much better. Usually we sit around doing our own things, usually in different areas of the house. We will sometimes have to get out and do some grocery or whatever shopping but that isn't much better because my husband is one of those that likes to either wander off and piss me the fuck off because I can't find him or he's walking at least 10 steps in front of the rest of us. By the way, this isn't a new thing, he's always been this way when we shop. And he wonders why I don't like to go with him. Go figure.

All of his culminates in my husband bitching at me on a constant note about how I'm not doing my wifely duties and taking care of my man. What the hell? How can somebody expect anything like that when there is no mental connection. There is no emotional connection. It's just two ships passing in the wind. Plus, the more he nags and gripes the less effort I want to put into anything.

So this leaves me with a real dilemma. How can I fix this? Yes, I said how can I, as in probably all by myself, fix this. I care enough about my marriage to want to fix it yet I'm proud enough to not want to just bend over backwards (no pun intended) and give in without getting something for myself. I miss the bond we once had. I miss the emotional and mental connection. I just want to feel like I'm wanted or needed in more ways than just one.

Is that selfish?