Friday, May 15, 2009


Being a mom is one of my greatest accomplishments. I have been able to devote so much time into being a mom to both of my boys that I really do consider myself lucky. When I had A1 I was young and naive and had to pretty much just wing it and learn as I went along. I went to work and worked a little while when he was a baby but when we all moved out of our home state for the first time, working was put on the back burner and I went to college.

I was able to get three and a half years into my degree there before we had to move. Luckily I was able to work out a thing with my school and I finished the rest of my classes online and came out the other end with a bachelor's in psychology. It's something that I wouldn't take anything in this world for because it's a major accomplishment not only just for myself but for my boys as well. I want them to see that they can do anything if they really set their mind to it. I know, very cliche but still true none the less.

While I was finishing up my degree online I started doing my internship at an alcohol and drug rehab clinic and was very fascinated with the inner workings of the clinic and was able to get a job and work there for a little while. I didn't get to do any counseling but I was able to sit in on sessions and work very closely with the counselors and learn so much from them. I made some pretty great friends here as well. Two that I think for certain will be life long friends.

Circumstances came along and kicked us in the pants and we had to up and move again. This time when moved and I felt like I was all alone because I couldn't get a decent job with the degree I had and the husband and I were really going through hard times. He had to leave me for a short period of time and go stay with his father who was dying of cancer. I pretty much withdrew from everything and stayed home and waited on A1 to get home every day just to chill with him. It was here that we decided to give it a go and have another child so during this whole ordeal I was pregnant. A2 came along and five months later we moved yet again.

This time I told myself that I was just going to devote myself to the kids and this baby and not work until he went to kindergarten. I spent my days cleaning the house, running a few errands, surfing the Internet, but most importantly I would have the entire day to spend with A2 and A1 when he got home from school.

I started feeling a little antsy and like I wanted to actually contribute a little more to society when all of a sudden the husband comes home with news of yet another fucking move. My plans and ideas get shoved to the side in order to find a new house, pack the current one, move, and unpack yet again.

Now don't get me wrong. I knew we were going to have to do this in order for him to work his way up the career ladder. We have been extremely fortunate that he has been able to advance his way up to the top and I'm so proud of him but this moving shit is for the damn birds! So here we are. The most recent move.

I still have tons of boxes to unpack. We've been here since September of 2008. We only brought with us at the time enough stuff to be able to live with because we didn't want our other house to be left completely vacant while we were trying to show it to potential buyers.

Well about January of this year we said screw that and had the movers pack it all up and bring it out here. Now our other house sits empty, still on the market, and sucking up resources.

I have boxes piled up all over my formal living room and if I never unpack a single one of those in there I could give three shits less. My dining room is full of exercise equipment and it wasn't until about two weeks ago that I put our kitchen table together and unstacked the chairs. I told my husband that I am not going to let myself get too comfortable here because first of all, I hate this location, and second of all, I know we will be moving again hopefully within the next year to year and a half.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that our next move will be the final one and we can get back either right in our home state or within no more than a four hour drive from it. Right now we are no less than an eight hour drive from our family and it sucks the life out of me every time we have to make that drive.

I still spend my days cleaning, surfing, writing when the notion strikes, reconnecting with old friends, and most importantly being with my children. I have taken this opportunity to take better care of myself physically too. I still dread working out some days but it's a lot easier for me to make myself do it now that I'm seeing some pretty good results.

Having said all that I still have this gnawing feeling that I need/want to do more with/for myself. A2 is getting bigger and older every day. He'll be four in July. I'm toying with the idea of going back to school for my Master's degree. I found a program in Forensic Psychology that I'd give anything to be able to get into but my husband seems to think I'd be better off going to law school.

I know he has my best interest at heart but it kills me that he is never supportive of what I (ME, the one who will be doing all the studying and work!!) want to do. He feels that spending close to $30,000 for me to go to school for the degree I want will not benefit the family and will be a waste of time.

So who knows I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Somethings going to have to give soon though because I'm starting to feel like the walls are closing in on me and the constant feeling of not contributing anything to society is hard to deal with.

If it seriously weren't for Facebook and being able to reconnect with and chat with old friends I think I would seriously go crazy. I'm being stubborn and probably stupid about it but I have no desire to try to make friends here where we are now because I know in the end this is not where we are going to stay and I'm not good with goodbye.

If you are a stay at home wife/mommy how do you spend your time and do you ever feel like you should be doing more? Are you truly satisfied with your situation? Just curious.

Side note: If you are on Facebook and aren't some crazy stalker person shoot me an email and I'll tell you how to find me. Hopefully you'll be a Farm Town addict too and we can be neighbors!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

this man is mine

Now I feel kinda like as ass for what I wrote earlier or maybe by actually writing it the message somehow seeped into my husbands brain because for the past few days things have been a little different.

I was upset because he was spending so much time at work and not coming home at a decent time....yesterday he was home at 5:22 p.m. That's like something that never ever happens sorta like a blue moon. We didn't really do anything it was just the fact that he was here and able to sit down with us and interact with us was pretty cool.

Mother's Day usually comes and goes with me feeling not quite special. Something about holidays he just doesn't get. Yeah, I'm not his mother but I did give birth to those two children wandering around calling out "mom, Mom, MOm, MOM, MOOOM" over a zillion times a day. They didn't just appear out of thin air!

Well, this Mother's Day was probably one of the best I'd had in I don't know how long. I told him I didn't really want a gift. I just wanted some chocolate covered strawberries and that was it. I told him they didn't need to come from some fancy website that decorated them up all nice and pretty that it would mean more to me if they just dipped them themselves.

He did one better than that. He took the boys and they bought me a chocolate melting pot and two quarts of strawberries and some of the chocolate candies that you melt and little tongs that you stick the strawberries on to dip them with. We all dipped strawberries together and had so much fun doing it.

I ate so many strawberries that by the time I got ready to bed they were churning and rolling in my tummy so hard that it wasn't pretty around here for at least three hours after he and the kids were long asleep!!

It doesn't take much to please me. Don't get me wrong I like to feel spoiled but that doesn't happen that often. I just like to feel like I matter to someone for more than the go to person when something can't be found or when it comes time to eat or magically pull clean underwear or whatever else they need out of my ass.

The husband and I have been together for so long that we really can read each other and I'm certain he was feeling my dissatisfaction and has really tried to make me feel better. For that I am so lucky and happy. Guess now, I've got to step it up in the wifely duties department. Right after I finish the last bit of strawberries and make sure they aren't going to turn on me like the first ones did. Nothing is sexier than a rumbly tummy when your trying to smooch on your man....or the outline of the toilet on the back of your legs and ass....mmm, sexay!!

Like how I'm just using Heart song titles to name my posts??!! Wonder how long I can keep that up?!

Friday, May 8, 2009

crazy on you

My love is the evenin' breeze touchin' your skin
The gentle, sweet singin' of leaves in the wind
The whisper that calls after you in the night
And kisses your ear in the early moonlight
And you don't need to wonder, you're doing fine
My love, the pleasure's mine

I'm in a relationship slump. It's nothing that will cause divorce or an affair or anything stupid like that, it's just a slump that I keep telling myself I'm going to be able to work out myself. Problem is, I'm either too damn lazy or just really not sure how to do it at this time.

My husband and I have been together for close to 13 years. During those 13 years we've endured some pretty major changes and quite frankly some things that would have torn many people apart without hesitation. We stuck it out and I'm happy to say managed to learn a lot about how the other one ticks. We're able to disagree without it getting out of hand and all the petty jealousy is gone. At least on my part. I'm getting too old to worry about stupid shit like that.

The problem right now is he's never around. His job keeps him away for so long during the day and when he comes home he's usually too preoccupied with more stuff he needs to do for work that I'm getting nothing. I've known from the beginning that his career is very important to him. We've moved around from state to state as he has advanced up the career ladder. I'm very proud of his accomplishments and it's because of his hard work I am able to be a stay home mom. I never take that for granted.

He's finally reached the top rung of the ladder and it was/is a major accomplishment that no one will ever be able to take away from him. I had just hoped that what he had been telling me about the slow down was true. He promised to stop neglecting us and to start putting family first and delegating work out to others. Sadly for us he's one of those that would rather do it himself and is constantly looking for new projects to do for work....great for the Justice Department I guess.

It's gotten to the point where our phone conversations during the day have gone from three or four a day to maybe one and that one is usually clocked in at under a minute each time. I never know when he is coming home at night. It's gotten to the point that we no longer wait for him to eat dinner with us. We eat at a specific time and if he's here great, if not, I reheat or make him something light when he finally does get home.

I can't get conversation out of him when he's home because he's sucked into the television or on the computer either working on work stuff or looking up stuff on eBay because he wants to unwind. He will not discipline the three year old unless it's an extreme case because he doesn't want to be gone at work all day and have to come home and be the bad guy. That leaves it up to me to be the bad guy all the time.

Seriously, I spend my day home with the three year old and wouldn't give that up for all the money in the world. I enjoy spending time with him and playing with him and watching him change and do funny stuff every day. The only issue with that is that come on, there is only so much conversation that can be had with a THREE YEAR OLD!

He thrives on attention from his brother and his dad when they come home because he's spent the entire day with me. His brother is going through that pissy teenage stage where he comes home from school, grunts hello, gets food out of the fridge and goes straight to his room and bitches if the little one even gets close to his bedroom door. Naturally that makes the little one want to do it even more so usually I have to listen to the two of them bickering for a good chunk of time.

When the husband gets home the little one is all over him but he's easily frustrated like me because it's next to impossible to get any attention. About the best he can hope for is if the husband turns on the Wii or the Playstation and plays a game the little one likes to sit and watch him play.

The husband will then get finished and go to bed and we start the entire cycle over again day after day. The weekends aren't much better. Usually we sit around doing our own things, usually in different areas of the house. We will sometimes have to get out and do some grocery or whatever shopping but that isn't much better because my husband is one of those that likes to either wander off and piss me the fuck off because I can't find him or he's walking at least 10 steps in front of the rest of us. By the way, this isn't a new thing, he's always been this way when we shop. And he wonders why I don't like to go with him. Go figure.

All of his culminates in my husband bitching at me on a constant note about how I'm not doing my wifely duties and taking care of my man. What the hell? How can somebody expect anything like that when there is no mental connection. There is no emotional connection. It's just two ships passing in the wind. Plus, the more he nags and gripes the less effort I want to put into anything.

So this leaves me with a real dilemma. How can I fix this? Yes, I said how can I, as in probably all by myself, fix this. I care enough about my marriage to want to fix it yet I'm proud enough to not want to just bend over backwards (no pun intended) and give in without getting something for myself. I miss the bond we once had. I miss the emotional and mental connection. I just want to feel like I'm wanted or needed in more ways than just one.

Is that selfish?